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Writer's pictureCommish

Brace For Impact

Updated: Aug 31, 2023

For the past several months you've been on autopilot, cruising along without worry and simply enjoying a variety of sporting competition on ESPN8: The Ocho. From the Mullet Championships to Slippery Stairs and The World Pillow Fighting Championship, you've savored countless hours of carefree spectating.


But the days of peace and harmony are nearing an end. Yes, our league drafts are just around the corner and it's time for you to begin agonizing over fantasy decisions again.


But I'm not worried about you at all. You've already completed countless hours of player research, formulated a foolproof plan, and you've participated in at least a dozen mock drafts. You're ready and there's no way in hell your opponent is going to steal Tom Brady away from you for less than $38. Ain't happenin'.

Armed with a 3-ring binder of player notes and a six pack of Red Bulls, you're ready to get this show on the road, right? *crickets* Right?!?


It wouldn't surprise me at all to learn that some of you are just realizing you told little Susie you'd take her to see the new Barbie movie on the same night as your draft. Ack!


If she's young enough, you can probably convince her to let you out of your agreement: "sorry princess, daddy forgot that the movie theaters are closed on Tuesday and Wednesday." But if she's old enough to know better, or if your spouse gives you the side-eye, you're probably going to need to buy her a pony to get out of that commitment.


To help you avoid a scheduling snafu, here are the details you need to know:

 

Segundo Keepers Lock: Sunday, August 27 at 6:00PM PDT

Segundo Draft: Tuesday, August 29 at 7:00PM PDT


Sagebrush Cactus Keepers Lock: Monday, August 28 at 12:00PM PDT

Sagebrush Cactus Draft: Wednesday, August 30 at 7:00PM PDT

 

And now that you know you're going to have to disappoint your child so you can make the draft let's discuss a few other things.


  • Don't be late to your own funeral. If you're draft is scheduled for 7:00 and you're just getting out of the shower at 6:58, you're likely to miss some early opportunities. In my experience, the draft tends to move very quickly for the first 30 minutes or so. You'll want be sure you're online and ready before it starts.

  • Rage against the machine. I appreciate that you have a "sick" Gateway GP6-400 desktop with an integrated 56k dial-up modem, but you might want to consider using something else...just this once. Also, I don't recommend using mobile devices unless you have no other option. If you do use a mobile device, and you're on a cellular connection, you'll want to be sure you're not 15 miles from the nearest road.

  • Go ahead and mock yourself. While you probably won't get an accurate picture of player values, you'll get a feel for how the interface and process works if you've never participated in one of our drafts before.

  • Dude, just go already! Waiting until there is 1 second left before nominating Christian McCaffrey for $1 isn't against the rules. Who knows, maybe you'll get him for that amount. But, being prepared when it's your turn and nominating him at $15 or $25 when you know he's probably going to go for far more than that is better.

  • There are no stupid questions. On second thought, I should probably considered my audience. While the quiet of not being bothered is wonderful, I'd much rather address issues before they happen. If you have a question or concern, let me know.

Following the advice above and planning ahead will help ensure you have a successful draft. To be sure, the word "successful" is doing some heavy lifting in that sentence. What I mean is that you will simply complete the draft and finish with a roster of 15 human beings and it would border on amazing if one of you didn't end up with a goalie or point guard somehow. You forget...I've seen you draft before.


Good luck!


-- Commish

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