LINE: Christian McMingle -6
COMMISH'S PICK: Baby Got Dak
LINE: NH Bounty Hunters -18
COMMISH'S PICK: NH Bounty Hunters
LINE: Do Not Panic -21
COMMISH'S PICK: Do Not Panic
LINE: Chief Sticky Balls -7
Scoring 141 points in a losing effort is presumably not the positive note that Jergoff Passout envisioned they'd enter into the playoffs on. Nonetheless, here they are in a first round matchup that most probably expected; heading down to the Nether Region to see if they can beat the Balls. In their two meetings this season, the Balls handled Jergoff Passout with ease. In their first contest, at Shame Glaze Stadium, the Sticky Balls throttled Passout by 40 points, winning 159-119. And things got even worse for Passout when they took to the road in week 11 against the Balls, losing 154-93. If you've been keeping track at home, I don't have to tell you that Chief Sticky Balls has averaged 156.5 pt/gm against Jergoff Passout this season. If that leaves you thinking, "But, Passout scored 172 points in week 13...", you're right - they did. But that was the only time that they scored more than 150 points in a game this season. Conversely, Chief Sticky Balls has score more than 150 points three times this season. Ready for twist? Jergoff Passout averaged 114.50 pts/gm this season while Chief Sticky Balls averaged 114.43 pts/gm, one-tenth of a point more than the Balls. Over the course of the entire season, these two teams are about as identical as you can get with regard to scoring potential. And, after 14 weeks of play, each team has outscored the other 7 times. So, what does that all mean? It means that Passout has higher lows and lower highs and vice versa for Chief Sticky Balls. In other words, Passout more consistent while the Balls are more explosive. However, there's no doubt that both are capable of putting up some impressive numbers. I should also point out that the Sticky Balls are 5-1 at home this season and they're 6-2 against Sagebrush foes which, when combined with their ability to score, explains why they're the favorite. It's easy to grab the Balls in this contest, and I wouldn't blame you. But before you do, consider this: how many times have we seen newcomers accomplish great things in their inaugural season? I'll take Passout and the points.
COMMISH'S PICK: Jergoff Passout
LINE: Pork Chop Express -5
It doesn't matter that You lost three of their last four games and slipped into the playoffs by the skin of their teeth. All that matters is that they're in. It's a new season and to prove that point, just look back at what happened between these two last year. In week two of last season, the Chops trounced Who Is You, 121-80. However, in the 2nd round of the playoffs, the #1 seed Chops, lost 119-86 to a 7-6, #3 seed You team that found their groove right when it mattered most. How much do you want to bet that box score has been tacked up in the Pork Chop Express locker room all week? Well, here we are again. In two regular season games this year, the Chops got the better of You, winning 138-124 in week 5 and 124-107 in week 11. Can Pork Chop Express avoid repeating their mistake from last season? It would be easy for You's opponent to look at their 7-6 record and their path to the postseason and begin wondering how they'll choose their starters for the Championship game. But I will warn you: do not sleep on this You team. For example, did you know that Who Is You has outscored Pork Chop Express this season? It's true, they averaged 112.1 pts/gm to the Chops' 110.7 pts/gm. And did you know that Who Is You has only allowed 98.9 pts/gm when playing on the road this season? Do you think it matters that Mahomes is playing the Chargers this week when you realize that You is 3-1 in games where Mahomes plays an AFC West rival? Regardless, there are a couple of things that come to mind as I think about which team will win this game. First, the Chops clearly have the hotter hand right now. They've won eight of their last ten games compared to Who Is You who has won only four. And, in that span, they've only missed the 100-point mark twice where You has missed it four times. Secondly, the point spread matters here. Believe it or not, despite their 9-5 season, the Chops have only been listed as the favorite in three games. And, in those three games, the Pork Chop Express delivered the win. Every. Single. Time.
COMMISH'S PICK: Pork Chop Express
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