It's easy to assume these weekly posts will feature twice the wisdom and incredible insights because there are now two leagues. Don't.
Look, I know that you're all eager to hear me lecture on about each other's follies and accidental successes. I get it. But this is a thankless job and even if you all decided to double my $0 salary, I have better things to do with my time than watch you all embarrass yourselves each week - though it is rewarding.
Across the NFL, there were plenty of surprises. Denver's loss to Seattle, the Browns victory over the Panthers, the Colts tie against the Texans, and the Bengals loss to the Steelers all contributed to the trouble most of you had in Pigskin Pick'Em and Eliminator this week. More about that later.
At the individual player level, most of the notable players performed as expected with the exception of Alvin Kamara, Austin Ekeler, CeeDee Lamb, Ezekiel Elliott, Aaron Rodgers, and Cam Akers, to name a few.
I could spend time raving about the likes of Mahomes, Jefferson, Allen and company, but don't we already expect a lot from them? Also, I'm not too worried about Derrick Henry and Christian McCaffrey each barely getting into double-digit scoring territory. The fact is that Henry was vultured by Hilliard and the Panthers played terrible all day...they'll be fine as long as they stay healthy.
Instead, it's worth looking at a couple of the surprises from week 1: Saquon Barkley and Carson Wentz.
Barkley was probably the most impressive due to the fact that he's struggled the past few seasons and expectations for him were low. But, after 194 total yards of offense and finishing the week as the #1 RB, he could be back to his old form.
Who had Carson Wentz as the #3 QB this week on their bingo card? Liar - he's still a free agent. Wentz finished just 1 point behind Josh Allen and he outscored Herbert, Rodgers, and a slew of others. Was it a fluke or was it the first sign of a player turning his career around?
Across the two leagues, I'd have to say the action in SCL Segundo was a bit more exciting than in the premier division.
In the Sagebrush Cactus league, the only game really worth following was the shootout between Pork Chop Express and Jergoff Passout, and what a game it was. Despite scoring 142 points with their Mahomes/Kelce stack, the Chops came up short to a Passout team that featured Jefferson, Barkley, and Patterson. Well played.
While most of the games in the SCL Segundo division weren't that close, the action was more exciting because of the upsets.
Yes, if you were favored to win your matchup this week, you probably lost. The only favorite to win their contest was The Real Slim Brady who defeated Cleveland! by nine points, 118-109.
Additionally, those of you in the Sagebrush Cactus league should note that three of your Segundo counterparts scored more than 140 points. Maybe you should take some notes.
As for disappointments around the league, you'd have to put Los Perros Locos, Badazz Bri, Do Not Panic, and Tallaassee Tator Tots in that category. None of those four teams scored more than 88 points. To say they have work to do this week seems like an understatement.
Now that the first week of the season is in the books, and whether you came away the victor or the victim, I have one piece of advice for you: let it go. Move on. Really...it was a crazy week and there's a lot of football left to play. Don't overthink it.
GOLDEN TICKET CHALLENGE
If your ticket consisted of all of the pre-season favorites at each position, you probably did pretty well. Led by Josh Allen and Justin Jefferson, My Chubb's Hardman and Thundabuddies got off to a great start. Sitting just behind them are Pork Chop Express and Keenan and Kel-ce.
If you look throughout the rosters of this contest, you'll see a number of players featured on double-digit lineups: Allen, Taylor, McCaffrey, Henry, Kupp, Jefferson, and Kelce. And that means the difference makers will be those that are only featured on one or two lineups: Lamar Jackson, Saquon Barkley, Joe Mixon, Stefon Diggs, and Michael Thomas.
Interestingly, the highest scoring player of the week, Patrick Mahomes, is not featured on a single roster this year. How did so many of you miss that?
SURVIVOR CHALLENGE
Not only did Los Perros Locos (70 pts) and Tallaassee Tator Tots [SIC] (86 pts) begin their season with a loss, but they also wear the crown of lowest scoring team in their respective leagues. Perhaps they'll both look to point the finger at Aaron Jones for their early exits as he's featured on both rosters.
Jalenhouse Rock (146 pts) and Jergoff Passout (153 pts) both dominated in their season-openers and guaranteed themselves immunity for week 2.
PIGSKIN PICK'EM CHALLENGE
I'll tip my hat to We're on to Cleveland! and Pork Chop Express who finished with 11 and 10 wins, respectively, in what most considered a tough week. Together, they're off to a great start but there are large pack of contestants lurking just behind them.
And, fittingly, the pick that put Cleveland! in the lead was where they choose the Browns to defeat the Panthers. They were one of only three entries that called that game correctly.
ELIMINATOR CHALLENGE
You guys are not very good at this. You had one job: pick ONE team that will not lose their matchup and almost half of you couldn't even get that right. Plus, three of you nearly bit the dust when the Colts tied the Texans.
The biggest losers this week came after Monday Night's game where the Seahawks defeated the Broncos, eliminating five contestants. The biggest winner? The Ravens victory over the Jets allowed five of you to survive to round 2.
COMMISH'S PICKS
We need to talk - again. This league feature is very simple. If I pick you to win, you're supposed to win. Unfortunately more than a few of you didn't understand that, but I'll let it slide this once.
With week one in the books, my 2-4 finish in Sagebrush Cactus and 3-3 finish in SCL Segundo leaves me at 5-7 to start the season.
Good luck in week 2!
-- Commish
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