Over the past 13 weeks you've been on an journey filled with potholes, delays, roadblocks, and the occassional carpool lane. You've navigated your way through a 16-team league that offered almost no room for error - from the draft to the weekly waiver wire, each decision proved consequential.
You knew when you signed up for this trip that it wasn't going to be easy, but here we are. We're in the final week and it's time to check in and see who will be able to catch their flight to the postseason.
First Class
Minutes after downing the final sips of your second Blue Door in the Centurion Lounge, you're now settled into your luxuriously oversized seat and ready to go. The flight attendants are singularly focused on your comfort: "Do you need extra pillows? Do you have enough leg room? Can we get you a drink before takeoff?" Enjoy your preferential treatment while waiting for those less fortunate teams to sort things out.
Blue Ribbon: It's difficult to argue there's another team that has put together a better season than Ribbon - they have the most wins in the league, they won their division, and they're the top team in the Sagebrush conference.
Who Is You: Having already secured their postseason invite, You have their sights set on winning their division, their conference, and the Survivor Challenge in the final week.
MaxxCasualties: It hasn't always been pretty, but the Casualties managed to secure their spot at the front of the plane thanks to the Warriors loss in week 13.
Waiting To Board
You made it to the airport with time to spare and you're through security relatively quickly thanks to your TSA Pre-Check status. Last night, you were wise enough to check-in online but because of First-Class and Business Class teams you're stuck in boarding group C, which means you're pretty certain to get on your flight though it may not be an aisle seat. A week 14 win will guarantee these teams make it on the plane. But a loss could mean their flight is cancelled.
Golden Tate Warriors: If they lose, nothing really changes. Truthfully, the Warriors should probably be upgraded to first-class. The only way they miss the playoffs is if they lose, the Rogues and Bri both win, the Rogues outscore them by 218 points, and Bri outscores them by 279 points.
Badazz Bri: If Bri chokes on the Tator Tots this week, it's likely the Rogues would take their seat unless Bri can find a way to outscore them by 61 points.
Los Perros Locos: A loss in week 14 could put their travel plans in jeopardy if the Pork Chops win and Reek Squad outscores the Perros by 107 points.
Reek Squad: For the Squad to lose their seat, they would need to lose to the Chops and the Fat Cats would need to beat Los Perros Locos.
Fat Cats: A win and they're in, a loss and the seat opens up for Pork Chop Express if they win or outscore the Cats by 128 points.
On Stand-By
Panic sets in as you wake up an hour late and realize you set your alarm for PM instead of AM. Your flight leaves in 30 minutes and the airport is 20 minutes away. Speeding along, you're halfway to the airport when you realize you forgot your bags - no time to go back, you'll buy new clothes when you get there. You book it through security as fast as possible and now you're at the gate when the crew tells you that you're on stand-by since the flight is overbooked and you didn't check in earlier. You're desperately hoping another team takes the future flight credit they're offering to open up a seat for you.
Gotham Rogues: The most likely path for the Rogues to get a seat on the postseason plane is to win their contest against Blue Ribbon and hope for a Tots victory over Badazz Bri. The other path involves outscoring the Golden Tate Warriors by 218 points.
Pork Chop Express: The simplest path for the Chops would be to defeat Reek Squad and see Los Perros Locos defeat the Fat Cats. Another opportunity exists if Los Perros Locos loses and the Chops can outscore them by 53 points, but no matter what, they need to win.
You're Lost
You're still driving around the long-term parking looking for a spot as you watch your plane take off and fly over head. It's done. You missed your flight and now it's time to go back and try to reschedule.
The teams in this group include: Tallahassee Tator Tots, Cerebral Ballsy, Consolation Kings, Deez Nuts, Do Not Panic, and Baby Got Dak. Among them, the Tator Tots and Cerebral Ballsy are the only ones that can affect the playoffs in any way.
Good luck in week 14!
Commish
GOLDEN TICKET CHALLENGE
At this point in the contest, the field seems to be dwindling and it appears we have a race to the finish between Golden Tate Warriors, Baby Got Dak and Reek Squad.
SURVIVOR CHALLENGE
By outscoring Who Is You 85 to 78 in week 13, the Golden Tate Warriors pushed the contest to its final week.
PIGSKIN PICK'EM CONTEST
The Tots have jumped out to a 3-game lead in our contest which could be enough to stave off the competition––provided the don't crumble.
POWER RANKINGS
Very few changes at the top of the list, but with back-to-back weeks of 141 points, Reek Squad is surging up the charts.
COMMISH'S PICKS
Who better to provide a preview for our week 14 contests than Snap Sutherland.
SNAP SUTHERLAND'S INCONSISTENT SUBSEQUENT PRELIMINARY PRE-GAME SNEAK-PEEK RESEARCH FINAL-WEEK PREVIEW:
Thanks, Commish. I took a spin around the league and got the lowdown for every week 14 contest.
Badazz Bri vs Tallahassee Tator Tots
It’s a big Sagebrush East clash as Badazz Bri (7-6-0) rolls into Catsup Coliseum to face the ever-crispy Tallahassee Tator Tots (5-8-0). The atmosphere here is downright sizzling, with fans chanting “Mash ‘em, Tots!” and others, predictably, yelling something about “Bri’s Biceps” flexing their way to another win.
Coach Bri has his squad geared up, relying on Josh Allen to sling it against the Rams' secondary. Meanwhile, Brian Robinson Jr. plans to steamroll defenders, declaring, “Every yard matters!” during warmups. I’d swear I saw Najee Harris eating chicken nuggets pre-game, which is... a bold move given the opposition’s branding.
On the Tots’ side, QB Jared Goff looks composed and ready to serve up passes like hash browns at a diner. Star RB Bijan Robinson told me he’s “just here to have fun,” which sounded nice until Coach Tator bellowed, “We’re here to win, Bijan!” Let’s hope that little pep talk worked.
When you’re named after a snack, you’ve gotta be salty—and I have a feeling one team’s leaving here extra seasoned.
Baby Got Dak vs Deez Nuts
Baby Got Dak (4-9-0) will head on down to The Nut Hut to take on Deez Nuts (5-8-0) in a contest absolutely no one will be watching. Dak's head coach is banking on Geno Smith to steer the ship, but whispers around the field suggest that Jonathan Taylor's absence might sink their chances. Wideout Malik Nabers told me, “This is where stars are born,” and promptly tried to catch a pass one-handed. He dropped it.
On the other hand, Deez Nuts bring a balanced but unpredictable lineup. On bye this week, Bo Nix at QB has been called a “wild card,” and Coach Nads has been tight-lipped on his game plan. “Just get out there and play,” he told his team in the huddle. Insightful, but it doesn't clarify who the starting QB will be.
When life gives you nuts, sometimes you crack under the pressure. But I wouldn’t count this team out just yet!
Los Perros Locos vs Fat Cats
The Fat Cats (7-6-0) host Los Perros Locos (8-5-0) in what can only be described as a battle for backyard supremacy. Fans are tailgating with chew toys and burgers, and there’s a guy dressed as a dog chasing a cat around the parking lot. Classic.
The Fat Cats are led by QB Jalen Hurts, who looked sharp in warmups. WR Keenan Allen told me he’s planning a “big day,” while Coach Kitty is pacing the sidelines with the intensity of someone chasing a laser pointer.
As for Los Perros Locos, their staff has them ready to roll. QB Cooper Rush looks calm under center, and RB Tyrone Tracy Jr. is ready to rumble. The energy on their sideline is electric, with fans howling and marking their territory.
Will the dogs find a treat or a turd when they head into The Litter Box this weekend? Well, if you ask them, those two things might be the same.
Gotham Rogues vs Blue Ribbon
The Gotham Rogues (6-7-0) take to the road to square off against Blue Ribbon (10-3-0) at Six-Pack Park, and this matchup is already feeling like a blockbuster superhero flick—minus the capes, though I did spot a fan in costume eating nachos.
Gotham’s QB Matthew Stafford is a game-time decision, but the Rogues' staff reassures us that they have a backup plan. I saw Kenneth Walker III running routes pre-game, and let me tell you, he looked like he could outrun the Flash. Amon-Ra St. Brown, meanwhile, seems poised for a breakout game any week now.
On the Blue Ribbon side, it’s still all business. RB Saquon Barkley shook my hand and cracked my knuckles in the process—this guy’s ready to run. QB Will Levis, though inexperienced, has the full confidence of Ribbon's head coach, who told me, “He’s young, but he’s all we got.”
With a full-throated endorsement like that, Ribbon appears to have what it needs to tank the Rogue's playoff hopes?
Golden Tate Warriors vs Cerebral Ballsy
Cerebral Ballsy (5-8-0) will welcome the Golden Tate Warriors (7-6-0) in a clash that’s sure to test the family ties. Fans are eager to find out if junior is ready to take on senior as the players get ready to hit the field.
Warriors QB Justin Herbert is commanding his squad with precision, while Alvin Kamara told me, “I’m ready to make some noise.” Meanwhile, Tate's coach looks like he’s already visualizing victory—or maybe he’s just thinking about dinner.
Cerebral Ballsy’s QB Caleb Williams has a swagger about him, and WR Xavier Worthy did a backflip during warmups, saying, “I feel good!” Ballsy's coaching staff is quietly confident, but you can tell there’s a lot riding on this game for the Ballsy bunch, namely bragging rights at the Christmas dinner table.
The young'ns will come out of their short bus with spastic energy, but will it be enough to take down the old man?
Who Is You vs Consolation Kings
From Almost Arena, it’s Snap Sutherland asking the hard questions like… “Who IS you?”
The Consolation Kings (5-8-0) have opened up their home to a Who Is You (9-4-0) team that has already secured a playoff spot. The Kings' crowd here is in midseason form about their chance to defend their Consolation crown.
Led by QB Kyler Murray, who’s looking spry and throwing bombs in warmups, You is excited about their opportunity to put an exclamation point on their season. WR Jaylen Waddle gave me a little dance when I asked him about his game plan, and Coach Whats-His-Name said, “We’re focused on what we can control—though we're not sure what that is at the moment.”
On the other side, the Consolation Kings aren’t going down without a fight. QB Joe Burrow looks locked in, and WR Christian Watson told me, “We’re gonna shock the world—or at least the East division.” The Kings' coaching staff is giving motivational speeches left and right, and the players seem fired up about having the opportunity to play for 9th place.
Do Not Panic vs MaxxCasualties
Week 14 has us at The Killing Fields for a showdown between the down-and-out Do Not Panic (3-10-0) and the playoff-hungry MaxxCasualties (8-5-0). The fans here are dressed in their signature pink, and the energy in the stadium is electric—think heavy metal meets a neon rave. Someone even handed me a glowstick, and I’ll admit, I got a little too into it.
Do Not Panic is rolling in with a team name that’s as ironic as it gets. QB Tua Tagovailoa is leading the charge, and during warmups, he shouted, “We’ve got nothing to lose!” Javonte Williams showed some smooth cuts during drills, while Courtland Sutton seemed ready to take on the MaxxCasualties’ defense like a man with a mission. However, it's unfortunate they're both on bye this week. Panic's coach told me, “Panic is for the other guys. We’re here to calm the unrest.” Bold words for a team that’s three wins deep into the season, but hey, you gotta admire the optimism.
Meanwhile, MaxxCasualties is bringing all the swagger you’d expect from a team sitting second in their division and on their way to the playoffs. Patrick Mahomes looked as cool as ever, tossing dimes in warmups and winking at fans between plays. Tony Pollard is hyped, telling me, “It’s not just a game—we're going to make a statement against the first team eliminated from playoff contention.”
The crowd is rowdy, the MaxxCasualties’ players are working overtime, and you can feel the tension in the air. This game is shaping up to be a classic case of David vs. Goliath, though Goliath looks a lot like Patrick Mahomes with a big grin. When you visit The Killing Fields, it’s tough to imagine walking out unscathed.
Pork Chop Express vs Reek Squad
The Pork Chop Express (7-6-0) has pulled into The Stank Tank to face off against the division-leading Reek Squad (8-5-0). Let me tell you, folks, it’s an olfactory experience in here that no sideline reporter can fully prepare for. Fans are waving their flags, the Squad faithful are chanting something unintelligible but undeniably intimidating, and I just saw someone try to light a pork-scented candle near the team bench. Safety hazard? Maybe. Iconic? Absolutely.
Pork Chop Express enters this matchup riding the red-hot arm of Baker Mayfield, who looked loose and confident in warmups. “We’re bringing the heat, and we’re not looking back,” During a practice session the Chops' coach told me, though his players didn’t look too thrilled about the nickname "Choo-Choo Mayfield" he was testing it out. Kyren Williams is ready to grind against Buffalo’s tough defense, while Mike Evans was seen practicing one-handed catches with a piece of bacon tucked into his gloves—extra motivation, I guess? And don’t forget Travis Kelce, who could light up the Chargers' secondary faster than you can say “Taylor Swift is in the stands.”
On the flip side, Reek Squad is rallying behind Jordan Love, who said, “I’ve got my squad, my stink, and we’re taking care of business.” RB Bucky Irving is questionable, but let me tell you, I spotted him jogging with a swagger that screamed, “I’m ready to rumble.” WR CeeDee Lamb, despite dealing with a red Q next to his name, looked locked in during pregame drills. And let’s not overlook Jaxon Smith-Njigba, who ran routes so sharp they could carve a holiday ham–or a pork chop.
The crowd here is peak Sagebrush Cactus League. One fan showed me a banner that read, “If the smell doesn’t beat you, Reek Squad will,” while another was juggling actual pork chops in the stands. The players are soaking in the atmosphere, and you can bet your bacon this one’s going to be the game of the week.
When the air stinks and the stakes are high, it’s tough to pick against a team that thrives in the chaos of its own making.
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