If you walked through any mall in America in the 90's, you were guaranteed to come across a kiosk vendor selling pictures that looked like nothing more than colorful static and noise. Magic Eye pictures is what they were called and if you stared at the collage of shapes and colors long enough - while squinting, crossing, and contorting your eyes - a 3D image of some sort would eventually come into focus. Some folks saw them right away while others might still be standing there today, frustrated and staring, for all we know.
That's what last week felt like for me. Looking at the Magic Eye version of the standings in each division, trying to see the playoff picture emerge seemed like a fool's errand - "dude, just relax your eyes, you'll see it."
However, this week provided the "ah-ha!" moment we all remember feeling when those 3D images finally revealed themselves. It feels good to finally see the picture more clearly, but it's unfortunate that I had to stand here and stare at those standings for an entire week...I miss my family.
So now that the picture is clear, here's what it looks like...
SAGEBRUSH DIVISION
Jergoff Passout: Congratulations, you're the #1 seed and you get the first round bye. Try not to blow it.
Golden Tate Warriors: You're about 99.9% of the way there. If you win, you're in. If you lose, you just need to be sure the Consolation Kings and Chief Sticky Balls both don't win AND outscore you by 146 and 187 points, respectively.
Chief Sticky Balls: You need to win AND hope the Consolation Kings lose. If you win and the Consolation Kings win, then you will need to outscore them by 40 points.
Consolation Kings: You need to win AND hope Chief Sticky Balls loses. If you win and they win, you will need to be sure they don't outscore you by 41 points.
CACTUS DIVISION
Thundabuddies: Hang in there. You're in, but you still need to win this week to secure the #1 seed. If you lose, then you need to hope Who Is You doesn't win and outscore you by 50 points if you want to hang onto that first round bye.
Who Is You: If you win this week, you're in. If you lose and Baby Got Dak and Los Perros Locos both win AND outscore you by 110 and 223 points, respectively, then you're out.
Baby Got Dak: You need to win AND hope the Los Perros Locos doesn't win and outscore you by 112 points.
Los Perros Locos: You need to win AND hope Baby Got Dak loses.
NH Bounty Hunters: Brace yourself. You will get in if you win AND both Baby Got Dak and Los Perros Locos lose AND you outscore Baby Got Dak by 44 points.
YUCCA DIVISION
The Real Slim Brady: The #1 seed is yours to lose. You're already in the playoffs and as long as you win and don't score 148 points less than BattleBornKid you'll get the first round bye.
BattleBornKid: You're guaranteed a playoff spot but unless you set a league record, you're probably not getting the #1 seed.
TJONES35: Win and you're in. Lose and you're probably still in.
Tallaassee Tator Tots: Technically, you're still in this thing. All you need to do is win and hope TJONES35 loses. Oh, and you'll also need to outscore TJONES35 by 215 points.
CHOLLA DIVISION
Jalenhouse Rock: Well done. You're in and if you win this week, you'll secure the #1 seed.
Chubby Chase: If you win, you're in. Plus, if you win AND Jalenhouse Rock loses, you'll get the #1 seed. And even if you lose, you're probably still in as long as no one outscores you by, at least, 158 points.
We're on to Cleveland!: You're in control but you have to win this week to get in. If you lose and Keenan and Kel-ce and Ohio State Gunkeyes win, you'll need to be sure Kel-ce doesn't score 29 and points more than you AND you outscore the Gunkeyes by 5 points.
Keenan and Kel-ce: Your best bet is to win and see We're on to Cleveland! lose. But, you'll also need to be sure to outscore Cleveland! by 29 points. Your other option is to win and hope Chubby Chase loses. But in that scenario, you would also need to outscore Chubby Chase by 186 points which seems like a tough ask. In either scenario, you'll also need Ohio State Gunkeyes to lose if you don't outscore them by 31 points or more.
Ohio State Gunkeyes: You will need to win and see either Chubby Chase or We're on to Cleveland! lose. If Chase loses, you'll need to outscore them by 154 points. But you probably have better odds if We're on to Cleveland! loses and they don't outscore you by 5 points or more. But watch out for Keenan and Kel-ce. If they also win and outscore you by 31 points, they could take your spot.
If you're Badazz Bri, Do Not Panic, Pork Chop Express, My Chubb's Hardman, Najee Germany, or Shiva Kaminis, you'll want to begin preparing for the Consolation playoffs.
There you have it, folks. All you need to do is follow the instructions I listed above and you'll all get into the playoffs.
GOLDEN TICKET CHALLENGE
Barring any significant injuries, this contest is looking more and more like it's going to go to the Thundabuddies. They have a 159-point lead over the rest of the field and unless Ja'Marr Chase, Saquon Barkley, and Dalvin Cook put up some very large totals over the next several weeks, I can't see Golden Tate Warriors or Pork Chop Express being able to close that gap.
SURVIVOR CHALLENGE
Congratulations to our 2022 Survivor Challenge winners, Pork Chop Express and The Real Slim Brady. Well done!
PIGSKIN PICK'EM CHALLENGE
The Thundabuddies posted 11 wins this week which was crucial in maintaining their 2-game lead over the field in what was a good week for most. Badazz Bri and Golden Tate Warriors will hope to close that gap this week while We're on to Cleveland!, Jalenhouse Rock, and NH Bounty Hunters also remain in the mix.
WEEKLY SCORE WINNERS
Highest Score: Chief Sticky Balls (155 pts) and Jalenhouse Rock (150 pts)
Highest Score - Loss: Thundabuddies (123 pts) and TJONES35 (120 pts)
Lowest Score - Win: Los Perros Locos (98 pts) and Ohio State Gunkeyes (96 pts)
COMMISH'S PICKS
Buffering....
Good luck in week 14!
-- Commish
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