I'm sure you're all familiar with that famous phrase our fathers used to use: "Prior proper planning prevents poor performance". In fact, I believe that it's been codified that a man cannot be a father until he's well versed in popular "dadisms" like: "No, your other right", "Measure twice, cut once", and "You make a better door than a window" in addition to the above.
Well, you can add one more to the list: "Don't leave a healthy player in your IR slot".
Listen up, gang, because this is IMPORTANT: If you have a player in your IR slot that isn't injured, that player will lock you out of the opportunity to add/drop other players from your roster once their team plays. As soon as that player is no longer injured, I strongly suggest you move them to your bench.
If that sounds like a stupid feature in ESPN's system design, it's because it is. I don't understand it at all. And, it's one of the very few elements in their programming that even me, the omnipotent Commish, cannot override.
This design flaw came to light this weekend when Do Not Panic had Jarvis Landry in their IR slot. When Sunday rolled around and it was determined that Panic's TE, Waller, was a no-go, Panic hit the free agent wire looking for a fill-in. But because Do Not Panic had a healthy player in the IR slot, ESPN required them to move that player to the bench first.
The problem is that Landry had already played on Thursday night so he was locked into position. You cannot move a player at all once they lock.
So, with Landry locked in the IR slot and ESPN requiring Do Not Panic to move him out before they would allow a player to be added, regardless of the fact that they had two open bench spots, Panic was in a bind and he was way behind - yup, you just sang that. Panic was not allowed to move Landry, and they weren't allowed to add a player until they moved Landry thus creating a fantasy football paradox. No options. No solutions.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story about how Do Not Panic lost to the Golden Tate Warriors by 3 points when they could've potentially picked up Waller's backup, Foster Moreau, who scored 13 points.
I do think it is a bit ironic that this scenario played out with a team named Do Not Panic. And to their credit, they didn't panic. Instead, they owned their short-sighted planning and took no special considerations when offered. That's admirable. Crazy, but admirable.
You wanna know who did plan ahead this week? Pork Chop Express.
In a week where they didn't have Russell Wilson, Nick Chubb, Kareem Hunt, or Adam Thielen, the Chops still managed to score 146 points and blow out Baby Got Dak by a margin of 56.
If you've paying close attention, you'd recall that the Chops only won one game through the first 4 weeks and averaged 93.5 pts/gm. In the last three weeks, however, the Pork Chop Express have won every game while averaging a league-high, 140 pts/gm. That's what proper planning looks like, folks.
And speaking of playoff contenders, have any of you noticed what is going on in the Cactus division? We have a 5-way tie for first place!
Additionally, with the next three weeks being inter-league contests, there is actually a possibility, however small, that this deadlock could last all the way to week 11. Regardless if that happens or not, I think the race to finish line is going to be interesting in that division.
I've never seen anything like it. In fact, the only team that isn't tied for first place, the NH Bounty Hunters, are only two games back and still in playoff contention with more than half of a season left to play.
Over in the Sagebrush division the previously mentioned, Warriors, hold a solid 2-game lead with Jergoff Passout and Chief Sticky Balls rounding out the top 3.
But don't sleep on Christian McMingle, currently sitting 3 games back. With the potential of their namesake returning after week 8, this is a team that could be making plans for a playoff push in the near future. If they can somehow hang in there and stay relevant over the next week or two, McMingle could be in a good position when McCaffrey and Gronkowski return.
On another note, if there is anything that requires careful planning, it is shaving your legs for the first time. If you've never done it before, you'll want to read up and be sure you use a women's razor, thick shaving gel, and warm water. Else you'll end up with some serious bumps and bleeds.
Those of you that aren't on the GroupMe thread might be a little confused about why I would bring that up.
In case you missed it, Badazz Bri showed steady fearlessness in their 14-point lead over Jergoff Passout heading into the Monday Night game and started to get a little chippy online. Whether it was genuine confidence or liquid courage guiding their decisions and trash-talk, Bri threw out the proposal and they both agreed to be bound by Passout's favorite fetish bet where the loser has to shave their legs. By the end of the night, Kamara's 30-point game was plenty enough to give Jergoff the come-from-behind-win. Here's an article I found to help you out, Bri.
"As I'm trailing by 14? How crazy do you think I am!? Of course I'm in. You gotta bet [Badazz Bri]" - Jergoff Passout
Moving along to billing (yes, I said billing), I've been doing a little proper planning of my own. With the changes to waivers, and the history of chasing down league dues at the end of each season, I figured I'd get out in front of things and create a billing system so I can keep better track.
Soon, you will receive a statement from me via email that shows what you've spent, what you've won, what you've already paid, and your balance due. To be clear, this is just a statement of your account, not your final invoice. The final invoice will come to you as soon as the season ends.
It is not necessary to go out of your way to pony up immediately, but it is important that you're planning to pay up at some point before I have to shell out the prize money. You can imagine the fun my assistant and I have at the end of each season when we have to deliver upwards of $2400 in cash and prizes while we chase down reimbursement.
Lastly, since the topic of this post is all about planning ahead, I want to take a minute to remind you all how important it is that you win next week. It's crucial - nay, mandatory - if you want to win the title. I'll say it again for those in the back of the room: you absolutely MUST win in week 8 or you will not win the Sagebrush Cactus title. Guaranteed.
Don't believe me? Look it up for yourself.
We've crowned 15 champions in the history of our league and not a single one of them has ever lost their week 8 matchup. Not. One.
Oh sure, other weeks are important too. Twelve of 15 champions have won their season opener with Cardinal Rule (2009), Breaston Plants (2012), and Who Is You (2020) being the only teams that didn't. And week 13 has seen 13 of 15 champions win that week with Da Faiders (2007) and Breaston Plants (2012) the outliers.
With that, I'll leave you something my dad used to say when I was a wee Commish: "Son, make sure you win in week 8. And, don't forget to take out the trash."
DEFEAT THE COMMISH
You'll recall that in last week's post, I offered to start up this contest again for fun. As promised, here are all of the rosters that I have received so far:
(Looks over an empty response sheet. Hits the refresh button, still sees nothing.)
Um, OK. Well...
Since there are no roster submissions at all, I'm going to unplug this contest. In the coming weeks, I'll be sending out a survey to the league so I can get feedback about the contest as well as a few new ideas for next season.
SURVIVOR CHALLENGE
It was a good week to have a low score if you were still in this contest heading into last weekend. Of the remaining teams, three of them scored less than 100 pts and the average score among that group of six was slightly more than 104 points.
With a high-score of 146 points, the Pork Chops not only remain in the contest, but they also earned themselves another week of immunity, their second in a row.
And with the low-score of only 72 points, this week's elimination team is - drum roll, please - the NH Bounty Hunters.
PIGSKIN PICK'EM
A pair of weeks with less than 10 correct picks for Who Is You has them in a three-way tie for the lead with Christian McMingle and Los Perros Locos. Others have climbed into the fray too. Pork Chop Express and Badazz Bri are sitting 3 and 4 games out, respectively.
COMMISH'S PICKS
Heading into Monday night, I was staring down the barrel of another 1-5 week but, thanks to Badazz Bri's ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, I ended the week at 2-4. Nothing to brag about, of course, but in all the chaos and craziness of week 7, I'll take it.
Good luck in week 8!
-- Commish
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