Week 8 is over, and we’re starting to see who’s swimming and who forgot to bring their floaties. It’s that time of the season where the “just happy to be here” teams start falling away, and the serious contenders shift into high gear.
Some squads look like they’ve got playoff aspirations, while others? Well, they might want to start Googling mock drafts for next season. This week was all about separation. The contenders have tightened their grip, while the pretenders are... well, finding new ways to disappoint. We've entered into the time in the Sagebrush Cactus League where excuses don’t fly, the waiver wire’s a wasteland, and benching the wrong player feels like an unforgivable sin.
Peaking at the Right Time
The cream is starting to rise to the top, with Golden Tate Warriors, Who Is You, Los Perros Locos, and Pork Chop Express leading the charge. The Warriors stomped Baby Got Dak, 107-67, behind another solid outing from Lamar Jackson, George Kittle, and Ja’Marr Chase. Chase, fresh off his “always open” proclamation, backed it up with 12 points and another win in the bag. Let’s face it—when your opponent can’t even crack 70, it’s not much of a contest. Baby Got Dak might want to consider a name change to Baby Got Benched. Geno Smith can’t do it alone, and unfortunately for them, neither can Jonathan Taylor.
You can't be too surprised to see the Chops shaping up to defend their title. After a slow start to the season, they've won 5 of their last 6 with the only loss coming in week 6 - when their entire team was on a bye. Moreover, that disastrous week 6 happens to be the only time they didn't score 130+ points over the past 4 weeks.
Who Is You appears to be growing past their little identity crisis they suffered in weeks 3 through 5, where they were 0-3 while averaging 92 pts/gm. Since then, You is 3-0 and their average score has jumped to 120 pts/gm. Looks like the daily affirmations are working.
Meanwhile, Los Perros Locos are showing there's some bite to their bark, dropping 137 points on Badazz Bri, who just couldn't muster enough to keep up. When you’ve got Derrick Henry bulldozing defenses and a WR corps racking up points like they're in an arcade, it’s almost unfair. Locos are a real threat, folks, and with 5 wins to their name, they’re cruising in the right direction.
MaxxCasualties also took their rightful place among the high-flyers, delivering a 125-86 drubbing to the Consolation Kings. Kirk Cousins finally remembered he’s allowed to throw more than 1 touchdown in a game, torching Tampa Bay for 36 points. The Casualties are looking like a team that figured things out just in time—something that can’t be said for several others. When James Cook and Zay Flowers are putting in work, good things tend to happen. Casualties are ready to shed the “underdog” narrative they keep trying to claim. Newsflash: No one buys that story when you're outscoring half the league.
The Other Side of the Cliff
On the other side of the canyon are the teams slowly losing their grip. Do Not Panic is officially in free fall. Another week, another loss—87 points against the aforementioned You is not going to get it done. Brock Purdy’s 25 points went to waste as the rest of the lineup turned in uninspired performances. With an 0-8 record, Panic’s season is effectively over. Someone tell them the panic button has been smashed beyond recognition.
Baby Got Dak is also going downhill fast. This week’s miserable 67-point output was a far cry from respectability, and unless they can find some semblance of rhythm, the playoffs are slipping out of reach. Dak has lost 4 straight, injuries have taken their toll, and poor lineup choices haven’t helped. Tyler Lockett, Gabe Davis, and Malik Nabers all disappeared when it mattered, and even the their D/ST managed to make Chicago look competent. Yikes.
Speaking of struggles, Cerebral Ballsy turned in a debilitated 92 points in their loss to Deez Nuts (113). Garrett Wilson's 15 and Jayden Daniels’ 26 points weren’t nearly enough to salvage the wreckage. Ballsy is a team with talent but no consistency—one good game here and there isn’t going to cut it. Meanwhile, Deez Nuts is quietly making a push, stringing together wins in 3 of their last 4 and staying relevant in the lowest scoring division in the league, Cactus West.
A League Divided
The Cactus East division is shaping up to be a gauntlet, with Los Perros Locos, Pork Chop Express, and Who Is You leading the pack at 5-3. These squads are starting to distance themselves from the rest of the conference, and if they keep trending upward, all 3 may be locks for the postseason. Over in Sagebrush West, things are a bit more... complicated. There’s no clear front-runner, but Blue Ribbon and MaxxCasualties are fighting tooth and nail for the top. It’s a division filled with mediocrity, which might make things interesting down the stretch. Someone has to win it, right?
Over in Cactus West, it’s a much different story. The race is tight, but it’s not necessarily because the teams are elite. Instead, it’s a scrap between flawed contenders, with Reek Squad, Fat Cats, and Deez Nuts jostling for position with their 4-4 records. None of these teams have been able to establish a dominant presence, and their wins seem more about survival than dominance. Injuries have hit this division hard, with depth stretched thinner than toilet paper in a public restroom. Nuts and Cats are scraping out victories, but it feels like they’re held together with duct tape and good intentions. In Sagebrush East, it’s less about separating from the pack and more about avoiding falling behind. It's a 3-team division now and anyone could still win it, but whether they'll limp or sprint across the finish line is anyone’s guess.
Furthering the Divide
Here are four critical matchups over the remaining six weeks that could greatly influence which teams make it to the postseason:
Pork Chop Express vs. Golden Tate Warriors (Week 11): Both teams sit at 5-3, making this late-season clash pivotal for playoff seeding in their respective conferences. With Golden Tate Warriors leading their division, this matchup could determine if they maintain their top spot or if Pork Chop Express can force a reshuffle at the top. A win here could also grant either team a crucial boost heading into the final weeks.
Badazz Bri vs. Who Is You (Week 11): As two of the top teams in the Cactus Conference, this Week 13 battle will have major implications. Both teams are sitting at 5-3, and a win here could push one of them toward a division crown and a better playoff position. Expect sparks to fly with both teams fighting for dominance before the postseason.
Reek Squad vs. Fat Cats (Week 12): This matchup between Fat Cats (4-4) and Reek Squad (4-4) is vital, especially for Reek Squad, who are fighting to stay in the playoff hunt. The Cats are playing like they'll be looking to secure a comfortable playoff position, but a loss to Reek Squad could throw their postseason hopes into turmoil while giving Reek Squad the momentum they need.
MaxxCasualties vs. Blue Ribbon (Week 13): In the second-to-last week of the regular season, Casualties will clash with Ribbon, with postseason implications on the line. Depending on how the preceding weeks unfold, this game could determine not only who makes the playoffs but also who might get a favorable seeding or a division crown.
The bottom line? This league is starting to separate into contenders and pretenders. Some teams are building momentum at just the right time, while others are hoping for miracles that probably won’t come. Injuries are thinning the ranks, waiver wire gems are harder to find, and lineup decisions are becoming more important by the day. The playoff race is officially heating up, and for some teams, separation isn’t just a theme—it’s a harsh reality.
The time for excuses is over—either you’ve got it or you don’t. And if you don’t, well... better luck next year. Stay tuned—things are only going to get uglier from here.
Commish
GOLDEN TICKET CHALLENGE
The top three teams in our Golden Ticket Challenge remain unchanged. However, there's a new challenger creeping up on them. MaxxCasualties improved 5 spots in the standings and climbed all the way up to #4.
SURVIVOR CHALLENGE
It turns out the Fat Cats only had 8 lives as they were eliminated last week despite scoring over 100 points. And now that we're down to 5 teams remaining, I think we're going to see that more often. Guaranteeing themselves a spot in the final four of our Survivor Challenge, Who Is You earned immunity for the second week in a row.
PIGSKIN PICK'EM CONTEST
Another week of Pick'Em, another new leader. This week, Reek Squad finished with 12 correct picks and replaced the Tator Tots at the top of the standings. But look out folks, Deez Nuts are starting to show and they're hanging with the Chops at #3.
POWER RANKINGS
After jumping four spots last week, to #3, Who Is You climbs another two spots this week and takes over as #1, replacing the Golden Tate Warriors. Falling 3 spots, from #5 to #8, Badazz Bri allowed Pork Chop Express, Blue Ribbon, and MaxxCasualties to overtake them.
COMMISH'S PICKS
It was nice taking time off from picking last week and I thought Snap did a decent job. In fact, I enjoyed it so much, I'm giving him another chance this week.
SNAP SUTHERLAND'S SUBSEQUENT PRELIMINARY PRE-GAME SNEAK-PEEK RESEARCH PREVIEW:
Thanks, Commish. I'm locked and loaded this week and ready to deliver all the news you didn't know you needed to know but now you know. This week I borrowed my wife's car and - after figuring out how long and why the check engine light was on - took it on a tour of the league ahead of this weekend's games.
Tallahassee Tator Tots at Gotham Rogues
There’s a fog rolling into Gotham City Stadium, and no one’s sure if it’s the weather or just a metaphor for Gotham Rogues’ playoff chances. Tyreek Hill is looking to sprint his way through Buffalo’s defense, and there’s talk of Justin Jefferson making a surprise return, which would have Rogues fans screaming louder than a villain monologue.
Meanwhile, Coach Tait’s Tator Tots are relying on Aaron Rodgers, who’s been questionable in more ways than one. "We’ve got all the ingredients for a win," Coach Tator told me. "Just gotta bake ‘em at the right temp." If Bijan Robinson can slice through Dallas and Tank Bigsby lives up to his name, those tots might be cooked to perfection.
Sometimes the rogues walk away with the prize... but never underestimate a tot.
Consolation Kings at Baby Got Dak
We’re back at Faux Dak Field, where optimism flows like soda from a broken vending machine. Geno Smith will have to cook up something spicy against the Rams, while Jonathan Taylor looks ready to put the “run” back in the Colts’ offense. Earlier in the week, Dak's coach told me, “We’re only as good as our second-half playlist—and it’s mostly 90s jams.”
The Consolation Kings aren’t just here to participate—they’re here to take what’s theirs. With Joe Burrow heating up against the Raiders, and Breece Hall hungry for payback against Houston, this one could come down to the wire. Giving me a knowing smile, the Kings' head coach said, “We may be down, but we’re not out. Not yet.” adding, "We're confident we're at least the second best team in this contest."
Consolation isn’t in their vocabulary... but victories aren’t guaranteed either.
MaxxCasualties at Golden Tate Warriors
It’s all peace and quiet at Tate’s Retirement Retreat—until the first whistle blows. Then it’s pure chaos, with Lamar Jackson looking to dance around Denver’s defense and Alvin Kamara hoping to punch his ticket to the end zone. "Our plan is simple," Tate's coach said. "Score points. Don’t lose. Maybe retire early."
MaxxCasualties have other plans. Kirk Cousins has a date with Dallas, and if Davante Adams finds his groove, this one could get interesting fast. With Tony Pollard charging through New England, a Casualties' source warned, “We’re bringing the pain. Or at least the paperwork.”
Retirement isn’t for everyone, but winning sure feels like it.
Fat Cats at Pork Chop Express
Things are heating up at Little China, where the Fat Cats are prowling for a big win. Jalen Hurts is ready to do damage against Jacksonville, while James Conner hopes to plow through the Bears. Coach Kitty told me, “If we don’t win this one, the whole litter’s on notice.”
Pork Chop Express rolls into town with Baker Mayfield riding shotgun and Kyren Williams ready to run over Seattle’s defense. "We’re not just a snack, we’re the whole meal," the Chops' coach declared confidently, though his players looked more concerned with dessert.
Sometimes the express route gets you there faster... but the Cats might have other ideas.
Deez Nuts at Who Is You
It’s going down at What Are I Field, where Who Is You hopes to stay at the top of their division. Kyler Murray is back and looking to make a statement, while Jahmyr Gibbs is ready to break loose. One of You's assistants told me, “If we play smart, we’ll walk away with more than just existential questions.”
Deez Nuts won’t go down quietly, though. Trevor Lawrence faces a brutal Philly defense, but Austin Ekeler could help carry the load. Talking with Nuts' staff this week, a source told me, “It’s all or nothing this week—and we’re hoping for all.”
Sometimes you don’t need to know who you are—you just need to score more points.
Blue Ribbon at Badazz Bri
The Boone’s Farm Drunk Tank is rocking, folks, and the vibes are just as intoxicating as advertised. Josh Allen is back in action, and Brian Robinson Jr. is ready to take on the Giants. Mildly inebriated, Bri's coach told me they're confident. “We don’t mess around at the Drunk Tank,” he said, "except when we do."
Blue Ribbon, however, isn’t here for the party—they’re here for the prize. Saquon Barkley looks ready to trample Jacksonville’s defense, and David Montgomery is back to cause trouble. Coach Hagen told me, “It’s all about execution—and maybe a little bit of luck.”
Some ribbons are earned. Some are stolen. Both taste sweet.
Cerebral Ballsy at Do Not Panic
The irony is thick at Composure Coliseum, where the fans are anything but composed. Jayden Daniels hopes to add to the chaos, while Alexander Mattison runs wild against Cincinnati. Standing up as straight as he could, Ballsy's head coach told me, “We’ve got our game faces on—now we just need the points.”
For Do Not Panic, the season is slipping away, but Coach Ben Lutz isn’t panicking yet. “One win is all it takes,” he said, though the look in his eyes told me he’s said that a lot lately. Tua Tagovailoa looks ready to roll, and Nick Chubb is back in business.
It’s hard to stay composed... but don’t panic just yet.
Reek Squad at Los Perros Locos
The vibe at The Puppy Mill? Absolute pandemonium. The smell of nachos mixed with wet dog toys, and fans howling for touchdowns like their team’s mascot was just set loose on the field. The dogs are looking to bring the bite, with C.J. Stroud poised to unleash against the Jets. The weather forecast is calling for a Derrick Henry downpour, and A.J. Brown has been growling to show he’s the alpha receiver in town.
Meanwhile, Reek Squad has their hands full. Jordan Love will need to play with all the heart and half the interceptions to keep pace, and if CeeDee Lamb doesn’t show up, things might stink worse than week-old leftovers. Coach Spivey told me his game plan is “full-speed ahead... unless we trip.”
It’s all fun and games at The Puppy Mill, but sometimes the dogs bite back harder than expected.
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