The only thing that I consistently count on is how inconsistent you all are. One week, I think your team is about to turn the corner, and the next, your starting lineup scores about as well as the captain of the chess team at prom. Vice versa, I watch some of you embarrass yourselves week after week to the point I wonder if your season is done and - boom - you come out of nowhere looking like a playoff contender. Last week, both of those ideas came together in nearly every contest. Among the eight games, only two were decided by less than 29 points.
The Fat Cats continued their rise to the top of the Cactus West division, showing everyone why they’re the team to beat right now. Their 147-118 win over Consolation Kings was a solid performance. But you wouldn't have guessed that if you only watched the first half of the game and changed the channel when you saw Joe Burrows outscore Sam Darnold by 46 pts. In their own words:
"We were fat and happy after Thursday night, but we slept too long on Sunday morning and allowed Joe to burrow deep into The Litter Box. Thankfully, we had Dowdle and Kraft to help dig him out so we could get back to playing with our food."
James Conner came through with a decent 12 points, but it was Brian Thomas Jr. and Nico Collins leading the charge with a combined 41 points. How many people even knew who Brian Thomas Jr. was before the season began?
On the other side, the Consolation Kings can't be too worried about the loss after scoring 118 points. After all, that total will win most games in this league. What they're likely concerned with is the production they're seeing from Breece Hall and Deebo Samuel who scored just 4 points combined, 22 points less than their projections.
Do you guys wanna see a dead body? Take a look at MaxxCasualties who took the Tallahassee Tator Tots out to the wood shed and delivered a 111-59 beatdown. It was ugly. I mean, they made the Tots look like a bag of Lays that's been at the bottom of a backpack for a few weeks. Patrick Mahomes’ "disappointing" 13 points still outshined every Tots player. This game was over before it started, really. The Tots? Well, Aaron Rodgers and Bijan Robinson could only combine for 23 points, which is only 1 point more than either Kareem Hunt or Darius Slayton - a pair of waiver wire additions. I’d say this was as one-sided as it gets, but we're just getting started, so hold that thought.
Proving it’s not just a clever name Reek Squad stunk. There's just no other way to describe it. 44 points? That was barely 50% of their projected total for the game. When your highest scorer puts up 10 points, it's time to deodorize. And it appears the coaching staff is doing just that, sending Deshaun Watson and Tyreek Hill on their merry way.
Deez Nuts, meanwhile, enjoyed a breakout from Trevor Lawrence (finally!), who put up a solid 27 points, and D’Andre Swift helped carry the team with 19 of his own. Those, combined with Aiyuk's 18 points, and you have the Nuts' first game over 100 points which is more than enough when the other side practically lays down and plays dead.
The Golden Tate Warriors decided to turn Week 5 into their own personal highlight reel, trouncing the Gotham Rogues 137-72. It was basically over before the Rogues had a chance to lace up their cleats. Even with Brock Purdy throwing up only 12, Ja’Marr Chase and that staunch Vikings D/ST had the Warriors on cruise control. Gotham Rogues? Well, Jordan Love tried, giving them a valiant 21 points, but the rest of the squad put up numbers you’d expect from a mid-season bye week. Let’s just say that this performance is probably going to get locked up in Gotham City’s archives, never to be spoken of again.
In The Battle of ‘Meh’, Do Not Panic lived up to their name by very calmly losing again, 103-98, to Badazz Bri. Lamar Jackson’s 41 points for Panic was pretty much the only highlight, while Josh Allen's 16 points were just enough for Bri. The real tragedy here was watching Do Not Panic come oh so close to grabbing their first win of the season before Rasheed Shaheed tested their patience with a 43-yard TD reception.
After the game, Panic moved CMC and it's obvious they're trying to find a way to salvage their season. But can someone please explain why they're still rostering two quality QBs? If you're a team in need of a QB, you should probably give Panic's front office a call. And if you're Panic, you should probably answer that call. I'd rather have something in my starting lineup than 40+ points on the bench that count for 0.
You know who did earn their first win last week? Cerebral Ballsy. Yup. They rolled right over, stood up and kicked Blue Ribbon in the can, 132-100. If you had asked me before the game if Ballsy could beat Ribbon by 32 points, I'd have said you were mentally deficient. Jayden Daniels was the lone player consistently scoring, trying to carry the team on his own. In the game against Ribbon, however, we saw a trio of WRs - DJ Moore, Garrett Wilson, and Tee Higgins - step up and deliver. Between the three, they scored 68 points - 41 more than they were projected to score.
Lastly, the Pork Chop Express continues to roll along, flattening Baby Got Dak 131-79. While Dak might have expected more out of Justin Fields (19) and Stefon Diggs (9), the problem was they ran into a Chops team that has been gaining speed, scoring 105, 113, and 131 over their last three games. Josh Jacobs and Kyren Williams combined for 34 points for the Chops, putting on a ground-and-pound clinic that the Dak boys just couldn’t keep up with. Baby Got Dak? More like Baby Got Whacked.
Teams like Reek Squad and Tallahassee Tator Tots didn’t even show up last week while others, like MaxxCasualties and Cerebral Ballsy, played like they’re in midseason form and ready to make their postseason push. But as I pointed out in the opening, that'll probably change next week.
Best of luck in week 6.
Commish
GOLDEN TICKET CHALLENGE
Reek Squad continues to lead our Golden Ticket Challenge, however, Baby Got Dak catapulted three spots to #2 thanks to a tremendous week from Kirk Cousins. The Golden Tate Warriors and Who Is You fell from the top 10, replaced by MaxxCasualties and Los Perros Locos.
SURVIVOR CHALLENGE
Baby Got Dak (79 pts) and Gotham Rogues (72 pts) picked a good week to have a bad week. With just 59 pts in week 5, the Tallahassee Tator Tots have exited the building. For the second time this season, the Fat Cats earn immunity with 147 pts.
PIGSKIN PICK'EM CONTEST
The Consolation Kings hold onto their lead in the Pick'Em contest despite finishing 7-7 last week. If you ask me, this contest is still wide open with 9 teams sitting less than 5 games out.
POWER RANKINGS
Ladies and gents, we have a new leader in the Power Rankings. After suffering their first loss of the season, Blue Ribbon has been replaced by Fat Cats at the top of the board. But the Cats better not nap with a pair of teams also eyeing the #1 spot: Golden Tate Warriors and Pork Chop Express.
COMMISH'S PICKS
Now we're talkin'. Both of my picks hit. Since I ran with a pair of Cactus matchups last week, we'll break down a pair of Sagebrush conference games this week.
ONE TO WATCH
Golden Tate Warriors -vs- Blue Ribbon
LINE: Golden Tate Warriors -8
Fresh off their best game of the season, the Warriors will travel to Six-Pack Park to take on a Blue Ribbon team that just suffered their first loss since returning to the league. Both teams are currently tied for the lead in their division so you know they understand the importance of this game. Ribbon is certainly hungry to bounce back and they're excited to have their best player, Saquon Barkley, back in the lineup to round out one of the league's best running attacks. Expect Ribbon to run early and often and surpass their 101 projected points with ease. For the Warriors, a balanced attack will be key. Though their RBs aren't quite at the same level as Ribbon's, they're still very good and when you combine that with a pair of skilled WRs, their projection of 109 pts seems very likely. This contest will be a shoot-out where both teams top 120 points, with the winner determined by my favorite position. Gimme Chase McLaughlin for the game-winner.
COMMISH'S PICK: Golden Tate Warriors
ONE TO FORGET
Cerebral Ballsy -vs- Gotham Rogues
LINE: Cerebral Ballsy -19
It's not often you find a division leader opening as a 2TD+ underdog at home against a 1-4 team that couldn't score more than 77 pts in their first three contests. But, here we are and for good reason. The Rogues are missing some quality talent this week with Justin Jefferson, Matthew Stafford and, newly acquired, Tyreek Hill all using their PTO this week. If there's a week when you want to play the Rogues, this is it. And though I won't say Cerebral Ballsy has cured their early season ailments yet, I feel there's a new energy on this team after last week. Notching their first win of the season against the only undefeated team in the league can be uplifting for a young team struggling to make their move. I'm not sure their QB can reach his lofty projection this week, but look for the supporting cast to provide enough to carry Ballsy over 100 pts and disable the Rogues.
COMMISH'S PICK: Cerebral Ballsy
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