SAGEBRUSH CACTUS LEAGUE
LINE: Baby Got Dak -3
The last regular season meeting between these two was in week 2 of last year. In that game, Baby Got Dak scored a season-high 141 points and came away with a convincing win. Suffice it to say, I don't think they'll hit that mark when they head into Keep Calm Stadium this week. They're vulnerable at the WR position and as long as Panic is able to top the 100-point mark, they could be in a good position to get their revenge on Dak. In what I expect to be a low scoring affair, I'm inclined to take Panic and the points.
COMMISH'S PICK: Do Not Panic
LINE: NH Bounty Hunters -4
In their final 3 games last year, the Hunters didn't score below 110 points. But that proved to be too little, too late for them to make the playoffs. The Hunters are hoping their off-season overhaul can give them the push they need to make the playoffs this year. Well, they'll have a great opportunity to get off on the right foot when they head into the Drink 'Em If You Got 'Em Dome to take on a Badazz Bri team that didn't win a game until week 6 of last season. A cursory look at their lineups should leave you puzzled at the fact that Bri is only a 4-point underdog. Maybe the bettors think this is a trap game. I'm not buying it. I say the Hunters are laying in wait and they're ready to strike.
COMMISH'S PICK: NH Bounty Hunters
LINE: Chief Sticky Balls -10
The last time the Balls traveled to The Kennel, in week 10 of 2020, they limped away with a victory while scoring only 103 points. Mark my words, they'll score more than that this time around. And with the #1 ranked backfield in the league, it's easy to understand why. However, it's worth noting that the Perros are 4-3 all-time against the Balls and average almost 10 pts/gm more when hosting. If you combine that stat with the game line, you essentially have a PICK, which is what I think this game ends up being. If you can find someone willing to give you the points, sure, take the Perros. Otherwise, I'd recommend grabbing the Balls by the moneyline in what should be a high scoring battle.
COMMISH'S PICK: Chief Sticky Balls
LINE: Thundabuddies -4
Here's to new beginnings. After finally breaking free of their love/hate relationship, the Kings are ready to begin anew. They might lack the flash and flare they had in the past, but don't let their vanilla lineup fool you. They're capable of scoring and the Thundabuddies will need to bring their A game to Subpar Stadium if they want to start the season right. Last season, the Buddies brought the thunder as they rolled the Kings - then Christian McMingle - 158-97. You're crazy if you think the Kings coaching staff hasn't had that box score pinned up in the locker room all week. I'm a sucker for a rebound story and I'm willing to take the risky play.
COMMISH'S PICK: Consolation Kings
LINE: Pork Chop Express -2
There are a few things in life that are guaranteed: death, taxes, and the Chops winning their season opener. Over the past four seasons, the Chops are 4-0 in week 1 and they've rolled through their opponents by an average score of 120-98. Jergoff Passout is hopeful that their returning starters Kamara, Jefferson, and Barkley can score more than the 21 points they posted in their last meeting against the Chops. And, they'll need to. The Chops are eager to trot out their new QB and TE, Mahomes and Kelce. This one is going to be a bloody clash between two very good teams. If I have to pick a winner, and I do, I'm taking the Chops.
COMMISH'S PICK: Pork Chop Express
LINE: Who Is You -3
There's really no better way to begin the season than with a Championship Game rematch. The Warriors prevented You from becoming the first team to win back-to-back titles, winning 112-80. Still stinging from that missed opportunity, You will take their revamped lineup into the Warriors' backyard where they're 6-0 all-time and outscore the Warriors by more than 35 pts/gm, on average - hence the game line. The Warriors have the talent needed to win but, with all of their starters playing on the road this week, they could struggle. But if you know your league history, I don't need to remind you that returning champs are 9-4 all-time in their first game of the next season. I'm a big fan of history. Take the Warriors by a field goal.
COMMISH'S PICK: Golden Tate Warriors
SCL SEGUNDO LEAGUE
LINE: BattleBornKid -8
With the largest point-spread of the week, you might be tricked into thinking jdub was the worst team in the league. And, maybe they are...time will tell. But the spread might also just be a reflection of some tough Week 1 player matchups. There's little doubt in my mind that BattleBorn will score more than 120 points. And since I see too many uphill battles on jdub's side of the ball, I'm taking BattleBorn in a blowout. The Zonies are gonna go wild.
COMMISH'S PICK: BattleBornKid
LINE: Ohio State Gunkeyes -1
Two of the top QBs will square off in this contest in hopes of starting their season on a positive note. Overall, the Gunkeyes have the better receiving corps but they'll need to slow the game down so their defense isn't out there too long trying to stop TJONES' potent running game. If the Gunkeyes can get out to a comfortable lead early at All-Caps Arena, they should be able to earn the victory. If not, and this matchup comes down to the late games or Monday Night, TJONES may be able to pull off the upset.
COMMISH'S PICK: Ohio State Gunkeyes
LINE: Tallaassee Tator Tots -1
There's little pressure to perform when you're the lowest ranked team coming out of the draft and there's no where to go but up for Chubby Chase. To compete with the Tots, Chase will need to take full advantage of their outstanding WRs, which will certainly be the focus of the Tots defensive strategy. The Tots will likely try to control the game with their solid run attack but they'll need to be sure they don't leave any time on the clock for Chase to make a quick strike. It'll be close, but I don't see the Tots getting burned at Ketchup Coliseum.
COMMISH'S PICK: Tallaassee Tator Tots
LINE: The Real Slim Brady -5
On paper, Slim Brady looks to have the better team. However, games aren't played on paper. To come away with a win, they'll need to accomplish one of two things: stop McCaffrey and company, or score an impressive amount of points. Cleveland is projected to score 112...a little low in my book. I think Cleveland scores over 115 which is still 10 points less than I think they'll need to beat Slim Brady. Take the favorite and give the points.
COMMISH'S PICK: The Real Slim Brady
LINE: Najee Germany -1
There might not be a more underrated team in Segundo than Shiva Kaminis. With proven talent up and down their roster, I'm not sure how they're an underdog in this contest. Can Najee Germany win this game? Sure. Will they? No. Not unless they can somehow get more than expected from several of their starters. The idea of Germany scoring 112 point away from the friendly confines of Colonel Klink Stadion seems a little ambitious to me. In fact, I think there's a fair chance they finish below 100 points. Take Kaminis by a touchdown.
COMMISH'S PICK: Shiva Kaminis
LINE: My Chubb's Hardman -1
Loaded with potential, Jalenhouse Rock will have their hands full if they're going to contend with best-of-class Hardman. There's no lack of talent on Hardman's side of the ball and my gut tells me they should have no problem meeting their projected total of 121 points. The question is: can Rock get enough out of their starters and rise to the occasion? This game has all the makings of an upset and, based on the current line, it looks like bettors agree. The up-and-coming talent of Jalenhouse Rock should perform well and leave Hardman feeling all shook up.
COMMISH'S PICK: Jalenhouse Rock
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