SAGEBRUSH CACTUS LEAGUE
LINE: Pork Chop Express -4
Back in week 2, the Chops got the better of the Hunters with some nice performances from Mahomes, Williams, and the Cowboys D/ST. This time around, though, with Mahomes on bye and Williams on IR, they'll need to get creative to defeat the Hunters who have nearly all of their weapons available...and, yes...Deebo Samuel too. Oddly, the books all seem to agree the Hunters will score somewhere in the neighborhood of 90 to 95 points which might seem low until you notice they've 94.4 pts/gm this season and 97.3 pts/gm over their last 3. So how will the Chops top that? They'll do what they did last week, roll out players you least expect. Last week it was Tank Dell. Who will it be this week: Levis, McLaurin, Hill? Meh, it doesn't matter. The Chops are 8-1 all-time at Slave One Stadium and I have no reason to believe they won't tack on another win this week.
COMMISH'S PICK: Pork Chop Express
LINE: Consolation Kings -5
Week 6 was the last time either of these teams won a game, so it's good that one of them will end that streak this week. Sitting at 2-7 at this point in the season means that Do Not Panic has most likely already been eliminated from playoff contention and they're now playing the role of spoiler. If the Kings aren't careful here, they could be one of their first victims. A quick look at the Kings roster suggests it won't be easy. They're still without their starting QB and a top WR, but it appears they're getting James Conner back this week. If Baker Mayfield can manage to not make mistakes, he should be able to lean on his RBs and a D/ST unit that is poised to have a nice week. In 3 previous tries, Panic has yet to beat the Kings and I don't see that changing this week.
COMMISH'S PICK: Consolation Kings
LINE: Los Perros Locos -4
My, how things have changed in a few short weeks. Baby Got Dak began the season 6-0 while the Perros were 2-4 over the same stretch. Fast forward to this week and, if the Perros win, they'll be tied with Dak. And if that doesn't make you scratch your head, this will: the Perros are the highest scoring team and are tied for the most wins in the Sagebrush Cactus League over the past 7 weeks. With both teams missing crucial players because of the bye week, this contest should be very close. But as long as we're living in Bizzaro World, I'll play along and take the dogs.
COMMISH'S PICK: Los Perros Locos
LINE: Digg-A-Watts -21
Will Badazz Bri win another game this season? Probably not, but they will put a little scare into Watts this week.
COMMISH'S PICK: Digg-A-Watts
LINE: Golden Tate Warriors -16
Jergoff Passout took the first meeting between these two back in the 2nd week of the season, 112 to 107. And they did it by playing as a team, with no player scoring more than 22 points, but several scoring in double-digits. Well, they'll need to have the same strategy if they're going to defeat a Warriors team that appears to be hitting their stride. Over the past 3 weeks, the Warriors are 3-0 and they're averaging 126.0 pts/gm. But Passout is no slouch. They've won 4 of their last 5 and they've outscored the Warriors in 4 of 5 weeks this season. The last time the Warriors visited Shame Glaze Stadium, they came away with a 127-108 victory. If you don't think Passout's coaching staff has had that box score on display in the locker room all week as a reminder, you're crazy. Take Passout in a surprise upset.
COMMISH'S PICK: Jergoff Passout
LINE: Thundabuddies -12
With their entire team on bye this week, Who Is You will travel back east to Flash Gordon Field to face a Thundabuddies team that is looking to get back to their early season form. After starting the season 3-1 and looking like a team that could compete for the #1 playoff seed in the Cactus division, the Buddies have dropped 4 of their last 5 games and are now tied with You for last place in the division. But beyond the fact You will be without most of their star talent, there are a couple of other factors to consider. The Buddies have outscored You over the past 3 weeks, 102.3 pts/gm to 92.0 pts/gm, and they're playing at home where they usually dominate You. Who Is You will score more than expected and keep the game close but, in the end, the Thundabuddies will come away victorious.
COMMISH'S PICK: Thundabuddies
SCL SEGUNDO LEAGUE
LINE: Tallaassee Tator Tots -19
Much has changed since the Tots defeated Carr in week 2 of this season. Only 3 players remain from that Tots roster and they've revamped their D/ST, moving away from the Broncos to the Bears. The result of those changes wasn't immediate felt as the Tots lost 2 games following that contest before winning 2 of their last 3. When they bring their reinvented lineup into Rideshare Arena this week, they'll lean heavily on their passing game with the hope Josh Allen can deliver. For Carr, the hope is that rookie QB, Stroud, can perform at a level similar to last week, when he scored over 50 points, to help ease James Conner back into the game. The problem is that if you need your QB to produce at that level to win, you probably have holes in your lineup. Take the Tots to cover.
COMMISH'S PICK: Tallaassee Tator Tots
LINE: Gotham Rogues -6
The season has taken a turn for the worse for Hoodie since beginning 2-1 with an average score of 113.7 pts/gm. Over the 6 games since, they're 1-5 and their average has fallen to just 86.0 pts/gm. Worse still, they haven't won in 3 weeks due to the fact that their average score in that span has been one of the worst I've ever seen, 69.7 pts/gm. The Gotham Rogues, on the other hand, have been the hottest team in Segundo lately, winners of 3 in a row and averaging a league-best, 147.00 pts/gm in those contests. So you'll forgive me if I didn't spend too much time diving into the finer details of this matchup. Take the Rogues, give the points, and parlay it with another bet to maximize your payout.
COMMISH'S PICK: Gotham Rogues
LINE: Ridley's Parlays -9
Well, the Kaminis coaching staff decided Kirk Cousins and his injured achillies was not their best option this week. That's a move in the right direction. However, Dallas Goedert and Harrison Butker on their sofas at home probably won't be much help either. On the other side of the ball, Ridley's Parlays is still contemplating whether K, Jason Sanders, who is out on bye is a wise play or not. The winner of this contest will most likely be the one that sets their lineup this week. I never thought I'd have to consider what the rule should be if both teams fail to field a complete team, but here we are.
COMMISH'S PICK: Ridley's Parlays
LINE: Burrowito Bowl -1
Stuck in a 3-way race for the 3rd, and final, playoff spot in the Yucca division, the Runningbacks will host a Burrowito Bowl team that has struggled to find their identity this season: when Bowl isn't scoring 120+, they're scoring 77. But staying in the playoff race isn't the only concern for the Runningbacks. They haven't won since becoming the first team in Segundo history to score 200 points in a game and their average score has fallen from 131 pts/gm to 110 pts/gm. With Deebo Samuel returning to action this week, Bowl's passing game should produce some quality numbers leaving them with a score somewhere in the range of 120-130 points. But against all odds, I think the Runningbacks will impress the crowd at Protest Park and finish with a total of 130+.
COMMISH'S PICK: Disgruntled Runningbacks
LINE: Ohio State Gunkeyes -10
If Jalenhouse Rock is going to avoid going 0-2 against the Gunkeyes this season and risk missing their opportunity at the #1 seed in the Cholla division, they'll need to figure out a way to stop the 2-headed monster that is Lamar Jackson and Christian McCaffrey. In their last meeting, Jackson and McCaffrey combined for over 53 points which proved too much for Rock to overcome. But Rock's coaching staff has been scheming all week and believe they have a plan in place to keep those two relatively contained. On the offensive side of the Ball, Rock is hopeful that the return of David Montgomery to their lineup can help offset the loss of production they'll likely feel without Hurts and Hill this week. Unfortunately, though, I still leaves them shy of being able to defeat a Gunkeyes team that is motivated to capture a 5th straight win and secure 1st place.
COMMISH'S PICK: Ohio State Gunkeyes
LINE: TJONES35 -11
The last time these two squared off, TJONES put an all-caps beating down on the Casualties, winning 128-68. Coincidentally, that victory also set TJONES off on a path to winning 8 straight games. Can the Casualties be the team that finally slows TJONES? On paper, their rosters don't matchup well. TJONES has a pretty clear advantage at most positions and there's little reason to believe their offense won't reach at least 120+ points...a total the Casualties have reached in 56% of their games. But I expect the crowd at The Killing Fields to be a rowdy bunch and help the Casualties. As dominant as TJONES has been through 9 weeks of this season, it's surprising to find the Casualties have outscored them 5 times. It might seem suicidal, but I'll gamble the Casualties do it again in upset fashion.
COMMISH'S PICK: MaxxCasualties
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