SAGEBRUSH CACTUS LEAGUE
LINE: Golden Tate Warriors -4
Neither team started the season the way they wanted to, but it's clear that the Perros have much more to be concerned about. Their paltry 70-point outing took the crown for Poor Performance of the Week last week. The Warriors, on the other hand, scored 120 points but came up short against a very talented You team that was motivated by revenge for their title game loss. I don't expect either team to score more than 100 points in this contest and a low scoring game might be better for Perros. As long as they can keep Josh Allen under 30 points, the dogs could pull off the upset.
COMMISH'S PICK: Los Perros Locos
LINE: Pork Chop Express -21
Thoughts and prayers.
COMMISH'S PICK: Pork Chop Express
LINE: Consolation Kings -16
Historically, the Kings have struggled against Baby Got Dak. Overall, they're 3-5 against them while being outscored 123.4 to 101.3, on average. In their first trip back to I'm Hurt Again Field since claiming victory, 122-114, against Dak in 2020, the Kings are looking to prove they can win without their 'ol ball and chain. After a loss in their season-opener, the Kings made a few roster adjustments and appear to have the upper hand in this matchup...at least on paper. For Dak to win they'll need to improve upon their uninspiring performance last week, specifically in the area of QB and RB. But even if they do, that still may not be enough to keep pace with a Kings team that could break out and score 125+.
COMMISH'S PICK: Consolation Kings
LINE: Do Not Panic -2
I'm just gonna come right out and say it: the spread on this game off. The Thundabuddies scored 147 points last week. Do Not Panic scored 88. Sure, Panic has some talent but their player projections for this week are lofty. And, they have to figure out how they're going to deal with Kupp and Diggs at WR. It's also worth pointing out that Thundabuddies held Panic in check last year when they beat them 113-73. Call me crazy, but this seems like the easiest upset pick of the week - if you can really call it an upset. Take the Thundabuddies and parlay it with another game to increase your payout.
COMMISH'S PICK: Thundabuddies
LINE: Chief Sticky Balls -6
The good news for You is that they're hosting this contest at I Are They Stadium where they're 3-0 all-time versus the Balls. The last time the Balls took to the road against You, they came away battered and bruised from a 148-62 crushing. Don't count on that this time around. The Balls lineup features a slew of top-5 players with favorable matchups so I expect they'll put up some points. Whether or not Who Is You still has enough gas left in the tank after taking out the defending champs last week is the big question. Gimme the Balls to get their first victory on the road against Who Is You.
COMMISH'S PICK: Chief Sticky Balls
LINE: Jergoff Passout -3
In their only previous meeting, the Bounty Hunters got the better of Jergoff Passout at Shame Glaze Stadium, 124-96. However, this time, the Hunters are hosting a Passout team that led the league in scoring last week with 153 points. This Passout team certainly looks better and they've proven they're a handful. The key to victory for the Hunters will be to get max production from their RBs and WRs. They don't matchup well against Passout at those core positions but if they can get them to step up their game, the Hunters might have a chance. Sadly, I think they come up a little short.
COMMISH'S PICK: Jergoff Passout
SCL SEGUNDO LEAGUE
LINE: We're on to Cleveland! -9
Despite poor outings for several of their players last week, Cleveland! still managed to score 109 points. That should tell you that if they play to their ability, Cleveland! should be able to hang with just about anyone in the league. The same can be said for TJONES35. They-that-shall-not-name-their-team scored 121 points despite notching just 8 points among their three WRs. With favorable player matchups throughout both lineups, this game could certainly be the highest scoring affair of the week. But after all the fireworks settle, look for Cleveland! to come away with a big road win at TBDL8R field.
COMMISH'S PICK: We're on to Cleveland!
LINE: My Chubb's Hardman -12
Hardman looked like one of the top teams coming out of the draft. But that was the pre-season - before we saw any action. After scoring only 94 points in a 52-point loss last week, we may need to reassess their strength. Facing a Kel-ce team that scored 145 points in week 1, Hardman will have their work cut out for them if they're to avoid beginning the season 0-2. For starters, they'll need to figure out how to combat a rejuvenated Saquon Barkley and the best TE in the league, Travis Kelce. If they can do that and see better execution from their RBs, they might be able to outscore Kel-ce. But I'm not ready to bet on "if".
COMMISH'S PICK: Keenan and Kel-ce
LINE: Ohio State Gunkeyes -4
The new #1 team in Segundo, Slim Brady, didn't exactly break any records last week in their 9-point victory over Cleveland!. But they did look pretty good. The Gunkeyes, on the other hand, looked even worse than their meager pre-season projections indicated. After getting out to a nice lead with Josh Allen on Thursday, they fell into prevent defense for the rest of the matchup - and we all know how well that works. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it...I have no idea how bettors see them as the favorite this week. Especially when they're headed into 8 Mile Stadium. Look, the Gunkeyes are full of talent but if that talent doesn't produce, they don't stand a chance. I'll stick with the proven winner until I see more.
COMMISH'S PICK: The Real Slim Brady
LINE: Najee Germany -3
Both teams should be bloody after this battle at Fletch Field. Outside of Chase's WRs, there's not much flash on either side of the ball...just good 'ol fashion workhorses. It's gonna be a knuckle-dragging bare-fisted brawl. Chubby Chase made it pretty clear last week that the pre-season predictions for them were wrong, while Najee Germany left everyone second guessing their praise. I'm going to go out on a limb and predict both teams finish lower than projected and I think that favors Germany.
COMMISH'S PICK: Najee Germany
LINE: Jalenhouse Rock -7
Jalenhouse Rock led the league with 146 points last week. BattleBornKid? They scored 93. So will someone please explain to me how Rock is only a 7-point favorite? Seriously. I've studied both lineups and I'd have to give Jalenhouse Rock the advantage at nearly every position. If last week was any indication, this game looks to be the blowout of the week. Give me the Rock and I'll give you the points.
COMMISH'S PICK: Jalenhouse Rock
LINE: Shiva Kaminis -6
High off their season-opening 17-point upset of Najee Germany, Kaminis will need to remain focused this week against a Tator Tots team that severely under-performed last week. The Tots are better than they looked and could catch Kaminis sleeping if they're not careful. I like Kaminis' balance throughout their lineup and I wouldn't be surprised at all if they score more than 120 points again this week. On the Tots side of the ball, they'll need their RBs to control the game tempo and deliver this week. Newly acquired Jeff Wilson Jr might be able to help in that department, but I'm not entirely convinced yet. If Cook and Jones decide to show up this week, the Tots have a chance to pull off the upset. Still, it's tough to bet against the apex of The League.
COMMISH'S PICK: Shiva Kaminis
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