SAGEBRUSH CACTUS LEAGUE
LINE: Chief Sticky Balls -8
The lowest score the Balls have posted this season is 126, in week 1. There are five teams in the league that still haven't scored that many points - and Do Not Panic is one of them. Could they? Probably not. In their only previous meeting, the Balls smothered Panic , 152-92, and now that they're hosting this game down in The Nether Region, I expect we'll see a similar result. They might not win by 60 points, but the Balls will prevail.
COMMISH'S PICK: Chief Sticky Balls
LINE: NH Bounty Hunters -9
Really? You're telling me I can take the Hunters and I only have to give 9 points? After just two weeks of play, the Hunters have outscored Perros by 90 points. Ninety. After two weeks. That's an average of 45 pts/gm more than Perros for you Liberal Arts majors out there. If there's a no-brainer on the schedule this week, this is it.
COMMISH'S PICK: NH Bounty Hunters
LINE: Who Is You -5
Who is you? You is a better team than You's record suggests. That's who You is. Well, that and they're an editors nightmare. Through two weeks, You is averaging 123.5 pts/gm which locks them in as the 2nd highest scoring team in the league. Baby Got Dak, on the other hand, averages only 99 pts/gm. Last time I checked, 123.5 is still more than 99. If you want your ticket to hit, you'll take Who Is You and give the points.
COMMISH'S PICK: Who Is You
LINE: Golden Tate Warriors -13
Things are not looking great for Bri right now. They're averaging only 72.5 pts/gm while allowing 104 pts/gm. But a contest against a division rival might just be what the doctor ordered. Bri is 8-5 against the Warriors all-time and they claimed a 24-point victory in their last visit to Baby Face Field. Will they have what it takes to get their first win of the season this week? Pffffft - absolutely not. Don't overthink it.
COMMISH'S PICK: Golden Tate Warriors
LINE: Jergoff Passout -6
Jergoff Passout's decline in production from week 1 to week 2 is the stuff of Greek tragedy. Rebounding from a terrible week 2 could prove difficult with Mike "Don't Touch My QB" Evans out on suspension. Fortunately they have plenty of talent on their roster to get the job done. There's no doubt Barkley, Kamara, Jefferson and others are capable of scoring. This is deep roster. But after losing to 172-83 to Passout in the final week of last season, the Kings probably have another Greek myth in mind: the story of Tantalus.
COMMISH'S PICK: Consolation Kings
LINE: Pork Chop Express -7
The Power Rankings make it clear that these are two of the best teams in the league. And I don't disagree. Both teams average 123.5 pts/gm and certainly seem capable of putting up 125+ again this week. If you're looking for a clue to help determine which team will win this contest, you really only need to look at a few players: Diggs, Kupp, Mahomes, and Kelce. If Mahomes and Kelce repeat their stellar week 1 performance, the Chops could be looking at a tie for the division lead. But, if Diggs and Kupp are left uncontested like last week...
COMMISH'S PICK: Thundabuddies
SCL SEGUNDO LEAGUE
LINE: Ohio State Gunkeyes -6
At 0-2, you might be wondering how the Gunkeyes are favored in this game. Well, if you paid attention last week, you'd know that they outscored Kel-ce by 17 points. The problem hasn't been their offense...it's been their defense. The Gunkeyes have allowed a league-high 135.9 pts/gm and, no matter how good your offense is, that's difficult to overcome. The Gunkeyes should be able to move the ball, but who's going to slow Kel-ce down?
COMMISH'S PICK: Keenan and Kel-ce
LINE: Chubby Chase -5
After coming out of the gate like a force to be reckoned with, Chubby Chase laid down a dud last week and was eliminated from the Survivor Challenge. With that contest now out of the way, they should have no problem focusing on a Jalenhouse Rock team that's a little banged up and vulnerable. Rock, like Chase, came up short in week 2 after a strong showing in week 1. And when you combine their injuries with tough player matchups, it looks like they're headed to the Heartbreak Hotel this week too.
COMMISH'S PICK: Chubby Chase
LINE: We're on to Cleveland! -9
Who doesn't love a good family feud? With so many similarities between these two, it's difficult to pick a clear winner. Both teams are 1-1 and neither have scored fewer than 109 points this season. Their defenses? Cleveland! allows 126.9 pts/gm while Kaminis allows 123.9 pts/gm...a negligible difference. My advice: in a toss-up contest where there are no clear-cut advantages, take the matriarch.
COMMISH'S PICK: We're on to Cleveland!
LINE: BattleBornKid -9
Your guess is as good as mine. BattleBornKid hasn't outscored TJONES35 yet this season. In fact, they've scored 21 pts/gm less than TJONES, on average. So how are they a 9-point favorite? With a banged up QB and their top two receivers facing tough secondaries, I have a difficult time seeing Kid coming anywhere near their projected total this week. To be sure, I think JONES has some struggles of their own but, in the end, they should come away from this contest with the win.
COMMISH'S PICK: TJONES35
LINE: Tallaassee Tator Tots -2
Stefon Diggs is certainly making a case for the Bargain of the Year award. At a cost of $36, his 33 pt/gm average looks like a steal. But how long can he keep that up? Surely there has to be a regression to the mean, right? If there's a team that can counter that level of production, it has to be the Tots. With a number of outstanding players of their own, it's anyone's guess which of their players will choose to blow up this week. If last week was any indication of what they can do , I'll take some Tots.
COMMISH'S PICK: Tallaassee Tator Tots
LINE: My Chubb's Hardman -6
Both teams stepped up their game last week after losing their week 1 matchups and, now that we're back to divisional play, they're looking to keep up that same energy. Najee Germany hasn't exactly been lighting up the scoreboard but they've still managed to score 11.5 pts/gm more than Hardman through the first two weeks. If My Chubb's Hardman can hit their projected total score of 117 points, they might have a chance. But, with a new QB at the helm this week, I can see Germany putting up 125+ points against a Hardman defense that has allowed 127 pts/gm.
COMMISH'S PICK: Najee Germany
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