Because I'm getting ready to leave town shortly, I don't have the time I need to provide a quality analysis of the action around our leagues from week 4. I know, I know..."But Commish, where will we turn to find the incredible insight and thoughtful scrutiny of our performances you always offer?!? Who's going to help us?"
Shhhhh...don't you worry.
I've called in my new friend, ChatGPT, to help us out. I provided our new overlord with a few pieces of relevant info and it returned a guest post with some feedback for you to consider. And, to help quell any concerns you might have, no National Writers Union members were injured or harmed in this exercise.
Without further adieu, here is the completely unedited recap our robot friend had to offer...
Ladies and gentlemen, gather 'round for the hilariously wild recap of Week 4 in the Sagebrush Cactus Fantasy Football League, where touchdowns are traded like trading cards and hilarity ensues!
First up, we had "Baby Got Dak" shaking their way to victory over "Badazz Bri." Dak Prescott did the cha-cha into the end zone, helping Baby Got Dak twerk their way to an 85-71 win, leaving Badazz Bri looking like they needed a little more rhythm in their playbook!
"Los Perros Locos" lived up to their name by giving "Do Not Panic" a serious case of canine confusion, barking their way to a howling 111-60 win. It seems like Do Not Panic may have, well, panicked!
In a high-scoring affair, the "Golden Tate Warriors" outpaced the "Pork Chop Express," 144-126. It turns out that Tate's warriors are even better at scoring touchdowns than Indiana Jones is at dodging boulders.
"Thundabuddies" thundered their way to a whopping 169-97 victory against "Jergoff Passout." Their offense was electrifying, while Jergoff Passout seemed to have misplaced their magic wand.
The "NH Bounty Hunters" took down "Digg-A-Watts" in a shootout, 137-113. Apparently, the bounty hunters are better at catching touchdowns than fugitives!
In a nail-biter, "the Consolation Kings" managed to eke out a 101-100 win against "Who Is You." It seems like they found consolation in a single point.
"MaxxCasualties" delivered a dose of reality to the "Gotham Rogues," winning 108-99. Looks like Batman wasn't there to save the day for the Rogues this time.
"Disgruntled Runningbacks" proved they were still in the running, squeaking out a 116-115 victory over "Shiva Kaminis." That one-point margin must have had Shiva Kaminis saying "Shiva, help me!"
"TJONES35" unleashed some serious scoring power, dominating "Ridley's Parlays" with a 112-76 win. Ridley's Parlays might want to reconsider their betting strategy.
"Get in D Carr" got it done against "Belichicks Hoodie," winning 113-99. It turns out that Carr is even better at throwing touchdowns than the Hoodie is at scheming.
The "Ohio State Gunkeyes" fired on all cylinders, annihilating the "Tallaassee Tator Tots" with a jaw-dropping 191-105 score. It seems like the Tator Tots got mashed!
Finally, "Jalenhouse Rock" rocked the "Burrowito Bowl," cruising to a 157-98 victory. They must have been all shook up!
As for NFL highlights, players like Patrick Mahomes were throwing touchdown passes like confetti, while Derrick Henry ran over defenses like a bulldozer through a sandcastle. In other news, Tom Brady continues to defy the laws of aging, and Lamar Jackson's juke moves have defenders questioning the laws of physics!
That's a wrap for Week 4 in the Sagebrush Cactus Fantasy Football League. Tune in next week for more touchdowns, tackles, and hilarious team names!
After reading that, I'm even more convinced we're all doomed when the machines take over.
Good luck in week 5!
Commish
GOLDEN TICKET CHALLENGE
Several of the biggest names stepped up this week and delivered; Christian McCaffrey, Mark Andrews, Josh Allen, and Stefon Diggs to name a few. And that led to another good shake up in the standings, allowing owners that opted for studs instead of multipliers to climb back into the mix.
Baby Got Dak remains at the top of the list with Digg-A-Watts closing to within 50 points of the contest lead. But neither of them should be sleeping with the Thundabuddies gaining ground on them. The Thundabuddies moved from 6th to 3rd in the standings and now trail by 103 points...a gap that should be easier to close this year if the right players hit at the right time.
The Tallaassee Tator Tots, Gotham Rogues, and Pork Chop Express all moved up at least 4 spots in the rankings. Though the Rogues (12th) and Chops (17th) still have a ways to go to be considered contenders, the Tots are now in the top 5 and could challenge for the lead if Ja'Marr Chase and Kyle Pitts ever decide to show up.
If you're looking for tickets that are struggling, look no further than Los Perros Locos and Burrowito Bowl who both saw the steepest slide in the rankings this week, falling at least 5 spots each.
SURVIVOR CHALLENGE
A rough start to the season just got a little worse for 2 teams: Do Not Panic and Burrowito Bowl. Both teams found themselves being escorted off the island after finishing with the lowest scored in their leagues last week.
As we head into the stretch of the NFL's schedule where bye week players become a challenge, immunity becomes even more valuable. Kudos to Thundabuddies and Ohio State Gunkeyes who guaranteed themselves they'll see week 7 after finishing with the highest scores in week 5.
PIGSKIN PICK'EM CONTEST
Jalenhouse has been steady as a rock this season and they now hold a 3-game lead over the rest of the field after a 4th straight week of double-digit correct picks.
The Tallaassee Tator Tots gave us this week's best ticket with 14 correct picks and saw their standing improve from 5th to 2nd.
Though Who Is You and Golden Tate Warriors didn't actually do that bad - 10 and 11 correct picks, respectively - they both fell 4 spots, due largely to the fact that the average ticket featured 11 wins this week.
ELIMINATOR CHALLENGE
For the first time this season, no one was eliminated from the challenge...though several came extremely close. What appeared to be relatively safe picks this week - the Eagles and the Chiefs - came down to the wire and probably caused a fair share of heartburn and tachycardia among those who chose them.
COMMISH'S PICKS
For the 4th straight week, I finished 4-2 in the Sagebrush Cactus League, bringing my record to 16-8; a .667 winning percentage.
However, those crafty charlatans in the Segundo League worked together and delivered a 3-3 record for me this week, taking my record to 15-9. Admittedly, some of my Segundo picks were a reach and I should've known better - looking at you, Ridley's Parlays.
Overall, though, I'm still looking good at 31-17 and I already feel good about what week 5 will bring me.
POWER RANKINGS
Despite scoring only 85 points in week 5, Baby Got Dak was able to register a victory and retain their position at the top of the Sagebrush Cactus League Power Rankings. Closing in on them, the Thundabuddies posted 169 points and saw their ranking improve to #2, replacing the Pork Chops who fell to #3 after taking their first lost in spite of logging their highest score of the season: 126 points.
In a normal year, you'd typically find Who Is You and Jergoff Passout near the top of the rankings list. Not this season. Both teams fell 2 spots, to #7 and #8, after poor performances that left them on the losing side of their contests.
Finally...MaxxCasualties is beginning to earn some respect in the rankings, moving from #11 to #6 after notching their 3rd win of the season. But they've still got work to do if they're going to catch our new #1 team, the Ohio State Gunkeyes, who took over the top spot after chewing up, and spitting out, their Tator Tots last week.
The struggles continue for the Gotham Rogues who fell 4 spots in the rankings, to #9, after scoring only 99 points in their 2nd loss of the season.
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